How to Find Peace After the Loss of a Loved One

Our family was rocked to its core the morning of May 3, 2013. Just one week after undergoing surgery (Whipple procedure) for pancreatic cancer, we suffered the unimaginable loss of a loved one: my father-in-law Chris.

Chris had recently hit his fifth decade on Earth, had lost both of his parents, and was reveling in being a grandfather for the first time. Tony had turned one not long before we lost Chris. He only remembers things about him through pictures and stories we have told him through the years.

The Loss of a Loved one and Grief

It is never easy to lose a loved one. However, the blow is softened just a little bit when you expect it. For example, losing a grandparent in their 90s who has been battling health issues for months or years. But, losing a parent in your late 20s when you imagine them holding your child for years to come is unfathomable.

We lost my Uncle Steve to pancreatic cancer years before Chris. I will never forget my Aunt Val telling my mother-in-law Peg that their situations were completely different. Aunt Val and my cousins had time to come to terms (whatever that may be) with Uncle Steve passing away. Aunt Val flat out told Peg that Chris was ripped away from us.

While I tend to agree with that, it is still hard losing a loved one in any capacity. I have always struggled with grief. My Uncle Domenico died when I was in fourth grade. We lost my maternal grandmom, Rose, when I was in fifth grade. It took me a long time to process her death.

My paternal grandfather, Albert, died when I was in college. That one hurt a lot despite seeing him battle Alzheimer’s for so long. Then, not long before we got married, we lost Nicole’s paternal grandparents, Nan and Pop (Jane and John).

Just a few months after Chris died we lost Nicole’s paternal grandfather, Joe. In March of 2022, I lost my maternal grandfather, Jim, at the age of 98. Grief has been and always will be a part of everyone’s life. It can be debilitating at times. It can also be eye-opening if you know how to learn from it.

Uncle Domenico and Grandmom Rose

When Uncle Domenico and Grandmom Rose died while I was in grade school, I would see the school counselor. It was helpful to a point, but I still struggled with replaying those days in my mind. I have a very photographic memory and I also remember a lot of what people say to me.

I will never forget what my other grandmother, Gia, told myself and my brother the day before Rose died. Her and my Pop-Pop, Al, had been staying with us in Marlton while my dad worked and my mom sat at Rose’s bedside. Gia told us that her and Pop-Pop would only be at our house after school the next day if it was absolutely necessary.

Fast forward to the following day. My brother and I exit the school bus. I see Gia standing on the steps of our old townhouse. Right then and there I knew that Grandmom Rose had died. I didn’t need anyone to tell me.

The Loss of a Loved One: How I Deal With Grief

When we lost Chris in 2013 I never properly processed his death or dealt with my grief. I had to keep it together for a reeling family. Nicole and I had been first-time parents for just around 14 months at the time. My brother-in-law was in his senior year at Temple University. Nicole was in her third year of teaching.

It was on me to hold it together and keep the family moving forward, as much as we all wanted to give up. I did not process my grief. Contrary to movies, books, and many families; Chris and I were close.

You always hear horror stories of how in-laws fail to get along. That wasn’t the case with our two families. We all truly got along, and still do. As someone coming to date Chris’ daughter and eventually marry her, he and I always got along. We always saw eye-to-eye on a lot of things. We both loved the Phillies, Ocean City, and food. There was rarely, if ever, an uncomfortable moment or conversation between us.

The day Chris died I truly lost a father figure in my life. I looked up to him and valued his opinion as much as my own father’s. It took until last October for me to finally process my grief from losing Chris. Couple that with the recent loss of my grandmother Gia and grandfather Jim, and I decided it was time to seek help from a therapist.

I tried therapy a few years before Gia died, but the woman I picked was very unprofessional. She actually told me that, “Well, everyone dies.” Yes, everyone dies. But, not everyone knows how to handle death, especially when it is the loss of a loved one. I quickly stopped seeing her. The therapist I have been seeing since October 2022 has been much more helpful.

How to Find Peace in Death

You can find peace in death after losing a loved one or close friend by doing the following:

• Accept the reality of your loss no matter how painful
• Cope through the pain by feeling your feelings instead of avoiding them
• Adjust to your new life without the person in it
• Do not forget your loved one; move forward by remaining connected to your memories of them instead of trying to forget them
• Seek grief counseling

Grief is one of the most difficult feelings to overcome. It can cripple your daily life. How do you deal with grief after death? Let’s talk about it in the comments section. Maybe what you do can help someone else work through their grief.

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